Hello Friends,
Jealousy: we all feel it, have felt it, have grappled with it, and know that it’s toxic. There are arguments about whether anger is a useful emotion. The Stoics say “no” while many other philosophers say “sometimes”. Jealousy, however, is very rarely considered in a positive light at all. Hence, when we feel jealousy, it’s not usually because we want to feel it. It feels outside of our control, so we just sit in it. But is it outside of our control, or can we alleviate this toxic feeling?
The audio version of this episode is available on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, and wherever else you listen to your podcasts.
What is Jealousy?
Oxford languages defines jealousy as “feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements and advantages”. It’s when we look at someone who perhaps has something that we want, and we feel like we are the ones that should be having that thing.
Note that jealousy is often thought about within the domains of a romantic relationship. That topic, I felt, was a topic of its own. Though the same principles apply here, there nuances of jealousy within a relationship will not be specifically discussed here (though it could be in the future - if anyone wants to hear an episode specifically on this, send me a message!).
There are some different scenarios, let’s say, within the jealousy realm. There are situations where you are simply being jealous for no reason at all. For example, your neighbour pulls into his driveway with the newest Tesla and, even though you could afford it, you feel envious. Perhaps you even go out and buy a slightly more expensive car, which you wouldn’t have done had your neighbour not been (in your mind) showing off.
Right there is a clear example of how we rationalize poor actions - we place the blame on others. We think that if they had not done what they did, then you would not have done what you did. This is a lie, of course, but it shows how we justify toxic behaviour.
There are also instances of jealousy where you are envious of what someone else has because you feel you’ve done the work to deserve it.
Take, for example, a job promotion. If you’ve been busting your ass for months trying to impress your boss, yet, when promotion time comes, your boss barely even considers you for the role but rather gives it to your coworker, you may just get a little envious.
This category of jealousy could be broken down even further. You could be self-aware in your self-analysis, or entirely oblivious. In other words, perhaps you really do “deserve” that promotion in the sense that your performance is objectively better, or maybe you are not as good of an employee as you think you are. Maybe you lack self-awareness.
Finally, let’s point out how broad jealousy can be. Here is a list of different areas in life that we can find ourselves being jealous about:
A friend’s wonderful, sexy partner
How our boss treats one of our coworkers
The height of someone else
The skills of someone else
Strength-building genetics
Hair style
You get the point - there are endless reasons for us to be jealous. The examples in that list are all superficial. But what about jealousy of character? That’s an intriguing one.
People can and do get jealous about other people’s character. "I wish I was as disciplined as that guy”. “I would do anything to be as kind as that gal”.
As I hope is evident, when we start breaking down jealousy, it’s clear that there are literally an infinite number of reasons for us to feel that toxic envy of someone else, and none of them are good.
Some may say that jealousy is a good motivator, that it pushes them to achieve greater things. I wouldn’t disagree with that, actually. What I would disagree with is that it’s a Stoic motivator. Sure, you can use jealousy to achieve better things. But then you are feeling jealousy all of the time. Are you really fulfilled if you’re feeling jealousy all of the time?
How to Manage Jealousy
We know what jealousy is, and we know that it can manifest itself in odd and inconspicuous ways. How do we manage it?
Character
First, let’s consider what is worth chasing versus what is not worth chasing.
What is worth chasing in Stoicism? Say it with me: a good character. Therefore, we can easily rule out the vast majority of the things that we get jealous over. Are you jealous of someone else’s 6’2” stature? Well, that’s not a reflection of anyone’s character. Maybe that 6’2” person is the most selfish, rude person in the world. Would you trade that height for a terrible character?
And remember: if you are leaning into Stoic philosophy, you better believe that character is the only way to fulfillment in life, so that 6’2” person may be tall, but if they have a terrible character, they’ll be miserable. Would you rather be short or miserable?
What we own is also not a reflection of our character. That car that your neighbour just pulled up in? That doesn’t mean anything. It’s an external. It’s an indifferent. One’s character does not correlate with one’s possessions at all!
The Dichotomy of Control
Next, let’s look at this through the lens of the dichotomy of control. What is up to you? Your character. What is not up to you? Other people, what they do, the situation they were born into, the situation that you were born into, your height, your strength-building genetics, the natural colour of your hair, and many, many other things.
So let’s say that you are a teenager and you feel envious of your friend because his family is wealthy and your family is not. Is that within your control at all? Sure, you play a little role. Perhaps you could get a job, for example. But, really, the wealth of our family when we are that young is outside of our control, and so it’s an indifferent.
I mentioned that you could get a job, and that’s an important point to highlight. Let us keep our compass pointing towards a good character. At the same time, remember that Stoicism allows for preferred indifferents. You may prefer wealth, but you must not allow yourself to be unhappy if you are not wealthy.
What this means, though, is that you are allowed to work towards things and still be a Stoic. You can work towards wealth. However, you must never be under any delusion that wealth will be the thing that grants you happiness, because that is simply untrue.
So the dichotomy of control as it comes to jealousy: always be strong in your belief that virtue is the only good, but, where you have preferred indifferents, ensure that you understand that there are things up to you and things not up to you, and that you can only truly say “that’s not up to me” after you’ve maximized your agency.
To go back to a previous example: if you want that promotion, work your ass off. Stay late, focus on quality and quantity of work, and show up earlier than anyone else. But, if you don’t get that promotion, understand that you’ve done what you could, and that what happened happened.
Providence
Stoic providence: “everything happens for a reason”. We must always keep in mind that we are a part of something much bigger than ourselves. What this means is that what happens in this crazy, wonderful world we live in is that which is best for the cosmos, and not always what’s best for us as individuals.
Consider that you are made up of trillions of cells, each trying to stay alive. However, you, as the greater whole, will do what’s best for you. That means that if your arm is pinned under a log in the river and the water is rising, you better cut that damn arm off. All of the cells that make up that arm must die so that you can go on. In a similar way, the things that happen to us in life, pleasant and unpleasant unlike, are what’s best for the greater whole, and not what’s best for you.
Therefore, if you are growing up with a wealthy friend and you are poor, that very-well could be the best thing for the cosmos. And what’s best for the cosmos is ultimately what’s best for you. We really have no way of knowing how things will turn out.
Maybe you buy that fancy car because you are jealous of your neighbour’s Tesla. And then, because you bought that car, you speed down the road a bit too fast, and the person that just bought your old car off you is merging onto the highway, and you guys smack into each other.
Whenever you hear yourself say or think: “this is good” or “this is bad”, take a humble step back and tell yourself that we have no way of knowing how what happens right now will affect the future.
Let’s Get Practical
We just viewed jealousy through three lenses: character, the dichotomy of control, and providence. Where does the rubber meet the road?
Firstly, I hope you would agree with me that everything we talked about thus far is practical in nature. However, how I’d like to approach this final section is by considering how us having the thing we think we deserve would change anything at all in our lives.
Let’s look at the obvious one: money.
My great-grandmother used to say that “money is the root of all evil”. She was wise beyond belief, and I may find her to be right later in life, but for now, I would rephrase it: “Greed is the root of all evil”.
Let’s first make some assumptions. Let’s assume that, because you have a device listening to this podcast, you are not currently starving. Let’s assume, also, that you have some protection from the elements (shelter). In other words, let’s assume that you have everything you need right now to be psychologically healthy.
If that is true, then what would having extra money do for you?
You’re already psychologically healthy! You already have everything you need inside of you to flourish!
If you are going to eat today - regardless of how fancy the food is - if you are going to sleep somewhere tonight - regardless of how comfy that mattress is - if you are going to interact with other people - regardless of how many - then what difference is an extra $1000, or $10,000, or $100,000,000 going to do for you?
What does your day currently look like?
If you have a regulated mood, you’re probably getting up at roughly the same time every day, you probably go to work, you probably eat throughout the day, you hopefully get some exercise, you probably have some hobbies that you find fun, and you probably interact with other people throughout the day. If I were to send you 100 bitcoin right now, would that change anything?
If I were to send you 100 bitcoin right now, would you be able to stop exercising? Would you be able to stop eating? Stop getting up at the same time? Stop working on your character?
We lie to ourselves all of the time. We tell ourselves that, if only we had another $100,000 dollars, everything would be fine! But when it really gets down to it, how much would actually change in your day? If you are fulfilled to any capacity right now, it’s not like having extra money is going to allow you to stop doing the things that fulfill you!
And this detailed example of money applies to everything under the jealousy roof. Does owning a Tesla mean you can stop working on being more kind? Does getting a promotion mean that you can stop showing up early to work? Does becoming more kind mean that you can stop improving your overall character?
Absolutely not.
If you really think about it, what really matters in life, only we can give ourselves, so why be jealous about anything? Accept the piece of the pie that life gives you, and eat it with grace, even if your pie is filled with crab apples while your neighbour’s is filled with organic golden delicious.
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Brandon Tumblin is most well-known for his podcast, The Strong Stoic Podcast, where he discusses philosophical ideas (solo and guest episodes).
Brandon is also a writer for THE STOIC, the official journal of The Stoic Gym.